Don’t Panic Mr Mainwaring. Brexit Means Brexit!


Brexit means Brexit according to the UK Prime Minister. Theresa May. Chief architect of the hostile environment for immigrants at the Go Home Office. The bloody-minded midwife of the Windrush scandal. The dancing queen of disaster who has turned humiliation into an art form on the national and international stage.

It’s a neat slogan. Brexit means Brexit. Easy to remember. Nicely packaged. And designed to appeal to simple minded optimists and deluded idiots alike. Sadly no one bothered to work out in advance what it actually means in practice. And when you get down to brass tacks you are immediately confronted with a brick wall. That’s the problem with meaningless tautologies. They don’t take you very far. And you end up going round and round in circles till you’re so dizzy that you just want to lie down in a dark room and throw up.

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Time is Fixed and Not Fixed


Time is fixed in the photograph which you remember so clearly as if it was yesterday. The photograph provides a window into the past. Opening a portal between now and then. Taking you back to previous lives and times. Like time travel on the cheap. Before time travel has been invented. Past and present are reunited, like long lost friends, as if there’s no barrier between them. And time collapses, as if it didn’t really exist at all. And yet, when you try to remember what happened immediately before or after the photograph was taken, your mind stutters and draws a blank. The exact details, if not forgotten, are hazy and indistinct. If forced to remember, you will find yourself inventing a storyline. Filling in the gaps. Because not knowing what really happened is shocking and offensive and too terrifying to admit. But the photograph itself leaves such a distinct impression on your mind. The impression of an abiding memory. The reality of the past at a fixed point in time. A life lived and a life remembered.

Where does that leave us? No further forward I’m afraid.

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Writers Tip #22


When I really can’t get out of bed in the morning I use the Samuel Beckett motivational technique. Repeat three times:

You must get up, I can’t get up, I’ll get up
You must get up, I can’t get up, I’ll get up
You must get up, I can’t get up, I’ll get up

Works every time!

Bonus tip: This technique may also work for male impotence problems, but cannot be guaranteed. If in doubt readers should seek medical advice from a qualified professional.

15 January 2019

Praying Mantis

Praying Mantis

I met a praying mantis in the campo and stopped to say hello, kneeling carefully on the ground beside her. She tilted her triangular head towards me with a quizzical expression in her large bright eyes, as if trying to weigh up whether I would be better as a mate or a meal (possibly both if she plays her cards right). – I’m so sorry I can’t stay long. I have an appointment – I say coyly, knowing already that she is the most beautiful creature I will meet today. Perhaps just one dance before we go our separate ways.

It’s hard to part when you fall in love so quickly, but sometimes it’s for the best. Such dangerous liaisons are bound to end in disaster. They say that opposites attract, but sexual cannibalism isn’t the best foundation for building a long term relationship and it’s not something that I would normally sign up for. You would certainly need to keep your wits about you if you went on a dinner date. And besides, I prefer vegetarians.

12 January 2019



Grief comes in dark waves
Crashing on the desolate shore
With the fury of a jet engine or a lion’s roar
Hissing like a strangled saint
Supine on the bedroom floor

10 January 2019

The Albatross and the Drowning Mermaid

The Little Mermaid statue

I cannot always talk directly to my wife. Or at least I cannot expect any definite answers. That’s where the mermaid comes in. Through her an entirely different kind of communication is possible. It’s a different kind of talking and a different kind of listening. Like poetry and myth making. It came to me first in a dream, not long after my wife died.

In my dream, an albatross has written a three-dimensional poem about my wife and I am jealous. Other people are heaping praise on the albatross for his clever construction and the profound truth that the poem conveys about its subject. I am completely out of my depth and cannot compete with this legendary seabird. There is a photograph of my wife that I’ve never seen before. She is swimming underwater. Down, down into the depths of the sea. Away from me and out of reach.

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Descartes: Thoughts for the Day

Human head with questions

I think, therefore I am
(Descartes big idea)

I think, therefore I think I am
(Descartes on weed)

I think, therefore I will self-harm
(Descartes with depression)

I think, therefore I am alarmed
(Descartes with anxiety)

I think they are out to get me, therefore I must be well-armed
(Descartes on gun control)

I think, but since thinking is the source of all suffering, I meditate to stay calm
(Descartes on Buddhism)

I have tried and tried to think this through, and they really don’t have a fucking clue!
(Descartes on Brexit)

05 January 2019

A Lost Sock in the Laundromat of Oblivion

A Lost Sock in the Laundromat of Oblivion

Buddhists believe in a never ending cycle of births and rebirths called saṃsāra. You can escape the cycle of rebirth by attaining Nirvana. But that’s something which requires a lot of effort, dedication and hard work and seems really rather difficult to achieve for most people, on account of their inherent laziness and fallibility.

I do not remember any previous lives. But you could remember your past lives in some detail, and talked about them often. You remembered being a boy in one life and dying young. In another life you lived in poverty and recalled the memory of hunger and starvation. Further back still you remembered living as a rich and powerful woman, a cruel aristocrat responsible for the death and suffering of others.

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Lip Service


Smiling lips
Beguiling lips
Laughing lips
Talking lips
Tasting lips
Singing lips
Pouting lips
Stinging lips
Shouting lips
Puckered lips
Biting lips
Licking lips
Lovely lips
Luscious lips
Kissing lips
Outer lips
Inner lips
Painted lips
Tainted lips
Swearing lips
Spitting lips
Silent lips
Lucky lips
Lonely lips
Lager lips

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