Where are you my love?

Feather

When you died I did not know where you had gone. I could not comprehend your absence, the reality of your non-being, or the fact that you would never be coming home again.

I stumbled through the empty rooms and corridors, clutching at the white-washed walls, crouching in dark corners, crying out for you: “Where are you my love? Where are you?”

It’s a question which still troubles and confuses me. And one which I cannot answer. I look for you everywhere. And sometimes I find you.

A butterfly
A stray hair
A white dove
A girl at the beach
A long-legged spider
A song-bird in the morning.

A strange cloud formation drifting over the sea with the faces of angels and cartoon sharks
A pink glowing sunset
A delicate blue flower
A sand beetle toiling heroically through the endless desert in the midday sun.

Sequined t-shirts
Crazy socks
Wild hair
Feral children

A lazy cat sleeping in the shaded street.

A hazy mountain which shimmers like a ghost and sometimes vanishes completely and returns in the morning wrapped in a black shroud.

The wind in the courtyard and in the trees and in the bell tower.

Your fingerprints on the window pane.

Joss sticks
Angel cards
Distant thunder
A cup of tea.
Ten thousand cups of tea
A fried egg roll
Hot doughnuts
Vegetarian toad-in-the-hole.

These fleeting moments of recognition and remembrance bring you back to me once more. Echoes of eternity reflected in the ephemera of day-to-day life. Each moment at once unique yet played out again and again forever. As if for the first time.

16 July 2019

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