Saint Andrew and the Lesbian Vampires

Carmilla

The Internet is a beautiful thing and a wonderous gift to humanity, even though it is undoubtedly corrupting our politics and destroying the moral fabric of society. This morning I started off reading about Saint Andrew’s Day and ended up on a page about lesbian vampires. How the devil did that happen? What does it say about the perilous state of my mind? Let alone my sexual proclivities. And what would my therapist say? If I even had a therapist. I blame the damn hyperlinks. They are so distracting. I hardly ever get through an entire article without my attention being hijacked by something else potentially more interesting. It’s the same in my offline life too. I’ve always been like this. My first teacher Miss Hilary diagnosed the problem which was obvious even then. It’s right there in black and white in my first school report card. – Keith is easily distracted. He must try harder. – Wow! That still hurts Miss Hilary. I was barely seven years old. And don’t think I forget the time you whacked me with the ruler when you had me alone in the cloakroom. I still don’t know what I was meant to have done wrong, although no doubt most seven year old boys deserve a good thrashing every now and again. Just to keep them in line and to serve as a warning of further punishments to come.

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Writers Tip #22

Typewriter

When I really can’t get out of bed in the morning I use the Samuel Beckett motivational technique. Repeat three times:

You must get up, I can’t get up, I’ll get up
You must get up, I can’t get up, I’ll get up
You must get up, I can’t get up, I’ll get up

It works like a charm every time!

Bonus tip: This incantation may also work for male impotence problems, but cannot be guaranteed. If in doubt readers should seek medical advice from a qualified professional.

15 January 2019